Why Most Parenting Advice Doesn’t Work

If you’re a family coach or a coach-in-training, you’ve probably worked with clients who are exhausted, frustrated, and out of ideas.

They come to you saying, 'We’ve tried everything, nothing works'

They’ve read the books. They’ve followed the routines. They’ve used sticker charts, calm voices and consequences but their child’s behaviour hasn’t changed, or worse, it’s intensified.

So what’s missing?

As a coach, your job isn’t just to offer better advice. It’s to offer better insight into the system behind the struggle.

Much of the popular parenting advice today focuses on surface-level strategies like:

- Stay consistent
- Set clear boundaries
- Use positive reinforcement
- Avoid shouting or overreacting
- Follow routines and structure

While these ideas can be helpful, they often fail in real homes because they don’t address the underlying system in which the family operates.

A child's behaviour is rarely an isolated issue. It’s a reflection of how the family system is functioning.

In a family, no one exists independently. Every action, reaction, and pattern is connected.

If a child is acting out, lying repeatedly, withdrawing emotionally or refusing to follow basic instructions, it usually means something deeper is happening within the structure of the family. This could include:

- Role confusion (e.g. a child acting as the emotional stabiliser)
- Emotional misattunement (e.g. one parent is avoidant, the other reactive)
- Unspoken rules (e.g. “We don’t talk about emotions here”)
- Intergenerational patterns (e.g. inherited parenting styles or trauma responses)

As a coach, your role is to help parents zoom out and see the system, not just the symptoms.

Let’s say a parent asks for advice about a 10-year-old who keeps breaking screen-time rules. The traditional advice might be to set a timer, enforce consequences or reward good behaviour but if we look deeper, we might find that:

- The child has no structured emotional outlet and escapes into screens for relief.
- Parents are inconsistent with enforcement due to stress or guilt.
- The child feels powerless in other areas and uses screen time to exert control.

The behaviour isn’t the problem. It’s the messenger.

Quick fixes often fail because they address what is happening, but not why it’s happening.

How You Can Shift the Conversation As A Coach

Here are four systems-based strategies you can integrate into your coaching sessions to go beyond surface-level advice:

1. Explore the Emotional Roles in the Family

Ask questions like:

- Who expresses emotions freely, and who doesn’t?
- What happens when someone is upset?
- Is there a “peacemaker,” a “scapegoat,” or a “fixer”?

These patterns often shape children’s behaviour more than rules or routines.

2. Identify Repeating Loops

Look for cycles like:

Child misbehaves → parent yells → guilt → overcompensation → repeat
Parent avoids conflict → boundaries blur → child pushes limits → frustration builds

Mapping these loops helps parents understand how the system is maintaining the problem.

3. Clarify Unspoken Rules

All families have them. Some examples are as follows:

“Don’t talk back” = Don’t express disagreement
“Be strong” = Don’t show vulnerability
“Obey quickly” = Don’t ask questions

When coaches help families bring these hidden rules into the open, behaviour often shifts naturally.

4. Support Recalibration Over Control

Instead of trying to control behaviour, guide parents to adjust the structure:

- Create predictable routines that align with emotional needs
- Establish shared language for emotions and boundaries
- Model self-regulation instead of demanding it

Children don’t need perfect parents. They need co-regulators within a balanced system.

If coaches continue to offer short-term techniques during these pivotal years, families may miss the opportunity for long-lasting change. When coaching parents, the goal isn’t just to “fix” the child’s behaviour. It’s to align the family system with values like connection, respect, and clarity. That’s where real transformation begins, not in a script, but in a shift.

As a coach, your greatest power isn’t in what you say. It’s in how you help families see themselves.

So next time a parent says, “We’ve tried everything”, you can gently say, 'Then it’s time we stopped trying to fix the child and started understanding the system.'