Understanding Marriage Across Dispensations: A Professional Perspective for Family Practitioners

Marriage is one of the most complex human systems. Each couple brings their own history, culture, and values into a shared life, and yet many people feel compelled to judge marriages based on their personal worldview.

A recent public discussion around Nigerian fashion designer Veekee James highlighted this challenge. Veekee advocated for women to become economically empowered so they can take care of their homes, a message that was interpreted differently by different audiences.

As family life practitioners, it is our responsibility to approach such situations without judgment and with a deep understanding of family systems. Here’s how we can frame it professionally.

1. Marriage is Contextual

Just like the women of Umoja Village in Kenya, who run a thriving community entirely on female leadership, couples everywhere design systems that work for them. What is “normal” in one cultural or historical context may seem unusual in another but that doesn’t make it wrong.

2. Understanding Historical Dispensations

Marriage has evolved across different social eras:

Stone Age Era: Marriage as survival; children were workforce, not romance.

Agrarian Era: Labor division and lineage mattered; economics, not emotion, defined roles.

Industrial Era: Men became breadwinners, women homemakers; dependency-based structures emerged.

Information Age: Empowerment emerged; women earn, lead, and manage wealth. Marriage became team-based, not hierarchical.

Postmodern Age: Partnership marriages; couples define roles based on talent, values, personality, and family vision.

All these models exist today. Conflicts arise when people project their own worldview onto another system.

3. Family Systems Engineering Perspective

Marriage is not one-size-fits-all. Every healthy system has:

A Vision: Where the couple is headed.

A Model: How they function together.

Resources: What each person contributes (financial, emotional, structural).

Roles: Who is best positioned for what.

Alignment: Are they building one shared future?

In FSE language, each contribution—financial, emotional, or structural is the couple’s Internally Generated Revenue (IGR) for their family economy. Systems may include:

Male-led economy

Female-led economy

Collective economy

Rotational economy

None is inherently superior; the superior system is the one that works.

4. Practical Guidance for Practitioners

When observing or advising on marriages:

Stop Auditing Systems You Didn’t Build: You may only see 2% of a couple’s reality.

Respect Dispensation Differences: What works for one generation or culture may not work for another.

Replace Criticism with Curiosity: Ask, “What works for them?” instead of “Why are they wrong?”

Understand That Money is Just One Resource: Leadership, emotional intelligence, wisdom, and stability are equally vital.

Focus on Function, Not Tradition: If a marriage produces peace, alignment, and fulfillment, it’s working regardless of who earns more.

Key Takeaway for Practitioners

Marriage is the coming together of two individuals to create a shared system. Each couple designs their own vision, roles, and contributions. As practitioners, our role is to understand, support, and guide not to impose external cultural scripts.

The lesson from public debates like the Veekee James discussion is clear: Happiness and healthy systems are not one-size-fits-all. Respect, curiosity, and systems thinking are essential tools for any family life practitioner.

Have you ever noticed how different generations define a ‘successful marriage’? How would you define it?